I guess it's a rut of sorts.
Sep. 19th, 2020 03:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
temporaryreality I finally have a bit of a break from work, having just finished up a series of jobs with a decision to give myself a bit of a reprieve before taking on any new ones, and of course what happens is that I have time to reflect on my life and the crushing sense of meaninglessness that dogs my heels. Gee, ain't downtime fun?
I run looptapes of inner dialogue trying to poke and prod at what's at the root of it - nothing particularly helpful pops up in terms of "change your life in this way and you'll be a bit better off in the realm of meaningfulness." I think the sense just comes from being aware of how very much a product of my culture I am, and the misalignment that generates with the deep part of my soul and body that is quintessentially human-animal and that would prefer to live in a place where I could experience life as it's meant to be lived: in season, in connection with the critters and the plants and the cycles of nature; in a time where things weren't all paved over and built up in an ugly fashion and when we still knew how to teach our young (and thus ourselves, over and over) how to recognize, be part of, and create beauty; and in a culture that understood these things and that had a communal response.
This all combines then with that "mis-education" I talked about earlier that prompted me to go along looking up things to study, though in my more dour moments, I'm not at all sure that what I need is more brain-food.
I run looptapes of inner dialogue trying to poke and prod at what's at the root of it - nothing particularly helpful pops up in terms of "change your life in this way and you'll be a bit better off in the realm of meaningfulness." I think the sense just comes from being aware of how very much a product of my culture I am, and the misalignment that generates with the deep part of my soul and body that is quintessentially human-animal and that would prefer to live in a place where I could experience life as it's meant to be lived: in season, in connection with the critters and the plants and the cycles of nature; in a time where things weren't all paved over and built up in an ugly fashion and when we still knew how to teach our young (and thus ourselves, over and over) how to recognize, be part of, and create beauty; and in a culture that understood these things and that had a communal response.
This all combines then with that "mis-education" I talked about earlier that prompted me to go along looking up things to study, though in my more dour moments, I'm not at all sure that what I need is more brain-food.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-21 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2020-09-21 10:41 pm (UTC)