is insufficient will the problem?
May. 3rd, 2018 12:46 amImmediately upon re-engaging with the Mystic Will text (listened to the intro while washing dishes), I have commenced wondering a few things.
First, I'm not sure exactly what will means (to me) and second, while my default is to assume I'm lacking in ability or am somehow deficient and that that's the cause of my failing to attain several goals I've set (or, frankly, to do much of anything "with my life"), I wonder if it's more likely that I don't have enough hours in the day and yet have too many things I want to do. Perhaps that's what a problem with will looks like? A kind of inability to settle down to the few things I can manage and a flailing about toward all sorts of desires?
It's the middle of the night and I'm not going to be capable of figuring out what will means right now, so I'll have to save that for another time.
Meanwhile, it's the middle of the night and I'm uncharacteristically up and on the computer - a situation that reveals some of the problem. I'm a relatively light sleeper and though I fall asleep quickly, if I'm not careful, a little too much awake-ness (due to being disturbed by noise or pain most frequently lately, though sometimes by "spear memories," as![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
syfen called them, or by forgotten-to-do things suddenly being remembered, etc.) turns into not enough sleep-ness. The dilemma at some point in the night becomes: do I lie here and try to fall back asleep, even though its been an hour already or should I just get up, do something productive and then head back to bed for a last attempt closer to dawn?
My days are cram packed, usually. I work part time at a restaurant in the next town over, so most weekdays I spend several hours there, plus there's some commute time (longer when I go by bus, shorter when I drive or get a ride). Then there's the basic household upkeep to manage. It's not an immense amount, but my husband works overseas, so everything is on me on this end. Youngest kid is relatively independent so the quasi-single-parenthood is easier than it was in previous years. I'm still the main cook/housekeeper, though, so evenings are generally relegated to that. In the interstices, I fit my "electives."
One of those electives is the side hustle, editing, that uses up my morning hour(s) before starting the day. My brain is fresher in the morning and there are too many opportunities for time to be derailed later in the day, so it's a kind of guarantee for uninterrupted concentration.
That's where the not-enough sleep problem comes in. If I don't get up by 5:30 or 6:00, then I lose that time. The rest of the day, from 6:45 until 9:45pm is spent mostly on my feet, doing the things that need doing with a little side helping of combination things I need and LIKE to do, like gardening, food preservation/prep, some craft projects, coming up with another side hustle, and maybe some reading. I have very little social life, and my "time wasters" include my tendency to want to read all the comments over at both theecosophia sites, and conversations with my cats. No comment about my decision to start this journal.
Other competitors for my morning hours, though, sulk a bit because they don't get sufficient consistency from me.
This is what leads me to think I've got a problem of will. If I had a strong enough will, I wouldn't sleep in until 6:45 some days, I'd just get up earlier. Or, you know, if the drive to write were strong enough and my commitment to finishing projects up to snuff, I'd be writing in the morning when my brain and creativity are functional or at the least, grabbing minutes whenever I could and working on my languishing stories. Or, I wouldn't have a problem starting the course in the Druid Magic Handbook because I'd have the required time in the morning...Except for when I have an editing job. Or... haven't slept well.
I don't have my notebook with me, but I'm pretty sure that there are quite a few entries on the page on which I wrote down (as per Mystic Will) what I willed for the next day that read, "wake early, refreshed and energetic."
First, I'm not sure exactly what will means (to me) and second, while my default is to assume I'm lacking in ability or am somehow deficient and that that's the cause of my failing to attain several goals I've set (or, frankly, to do much of anything "with my life"), I wonder if it's more likely that I don't have enough hours in the day and yet have too many things I want to do. Perhaps that's what a problem with will looks like? A kind of inability to settle down to the few things I can manage and a flailing about toward all sorts of desires?
It's the middle of the night and I'm not going to be capable of figuring out what will means right now, so I'll have to save that for another time.
Meanwhile, it's the middle of the night and I'm uncharacteristically up and on the computer - a situation that reveals some of the problem. I'm a relatively light sleeper and though I fall asleep quickly, if I'm not careful, a little too much awake-ness (due to being disturbed by noise or pain most frequently lately, though sometimes by "spear memories," as
syfen called them, or by forgotten-to-do things suddenly being remembered, etc.) turns into not enough sleep-ness. The dilemma at some point in the night becomes: do I lie here and try to fall back asleep, even though its been an hour already or should I just get up, do something productive and then head back to bed for a last attempt closer to dawn?My days are cram packed, usually. I work part time at a restaurant in the next town over, so most weekdays I spend several hours there, plus there's some commute time (longer when I go by bus, shorter when I drive or get a ride). Then there's the basic household upkeep to manage. It's not an immense amount, but my husband works overseas, so everything is on me on this end. Youngest kid is relatively independent so the quasi-single-parenthood is easier than it was in previous years. I'm still the main cook/housekeeper, though, so evenings are generally relegated to that. In the interstices, I fit my "electives."
One of those electives is the side hustle, editing, that uses up my morning hour(s) before starting the day. My brain is fresher in the morning and there are too many opportunities for time to be derailed later in the day, so it's a kind of guarantee for uninterrupted concentration.
That's where the not-enough sleep problem comes in. If I don't get up by 5:30 or 6:00, then I lose that time. The rest of the day, from 6:45 until 9:45pm is spent mostly on my feet, doing the things that need doing with a little side helping of combination things I need and LIKE to do, like gardening, food preservation/prep, some craft projects, coming up with another side hustle, and maybe some reading. I have very little social life, and my "time wasters" include my tendency to want to read all the comments over at both the
ecosophia sites, and conversations with my cats. No comment about my decision to start this journal.Other competitors for my morning hours, though, sulk a bit because they don't get sufficient consistency from me.
This is what leads me to think I've got a problem of will. If I had a strong enough will, I wouldn't sleep in until 6:45 some days, I'd just get up earlier. Or, you know, if the drive to write were strong enough and my commitment to finishing projects up to snuff, I'd be writing in the morning when my brain and creativity are functional or at the least, grabbing minutes whenever I could and working on my languishing stories. Or, I wouldn't have a problem starting the course in the Druid Magic Handbook because I'd have the required time in the morning...Except for when I have an editing job. Or... haven't slept well.
I don't have my notebook with me, but I'm pretty sure that there are quite a few entries on the page on which I wrote down (as per Mystic Will) what I willed for the next day that read, "wake early, refreshed and energetic."
